RIP Captain America
A touching tribute to the passing of Captain America by President George W. Bush (but really, by me) in Skinnie Magazine, April 2007.
My fellow Americans,
Our country has had a tremendous tragedy bestowed upon us. Americans everyone in America, whether or not you speak Alaskanese or Alabamian, are in still in the process of shock and awe.
I was busy looking on Yahoo trying to find the top story of the day. I wanted to know who was next on the chopping block on “Idol.” Instead, I saw the top story of the day was that my dear friend, Captain America, was killed.
I remember being a young man at Yale frat party when I was first introduced to the heroics of ‘ol Cap. Tommy, my buddy, had a rolled up Captain America picture book (the best kind, by the way) out on the table. I unrolled it, blew the sticky white powder off the end of it, and … I don’t remember much else from that night. What was I writing about?
[Interpreter’s note: At this point, Karl Rove whispers something in Bush’s ear]
Thanks, Karl. No, no, that new suit makes you look slimming, and totally not like a repressed homosexual. Anyway…
Outside of a courthouse, Captain America was taken out by a heinous sniper; a today’s version of Johnny Wilkeys Booths, you know, the fella that shot Lincoln in the movie theater that one time. He is a coward, most likely a non-white male liberal junkie college student from Berkeley who was a homosexual Muslim atheist secular progressive who is out of the mainstream and under the influence of the nefarious Red Skull.
Captain America spent his career hunting the Red Skull, kinda like what my granddaddy, Prescott Bush, did when he was a youngster. You see, when he was in the Skull and Bones club at Yale, my gand-pappy captured the “Red Skull” of that terrorist Geronimo and they used it in games of Yahtzee, Clue, and my favorite, Chutes and Ladders.
As a result of this, I’m asking the Congress to appropriate to about 253 gabillion dollars (This is been changed from my previous request of 78 Brazilian dollars; I did not know that Brazilia was country down in Mexico, heh), as I officially declared war on Mars. You know, the red planet. Get it? I plan to nuke-ular-tize that whole Mars region right off the map for what they did to Captain America.
We will spread peace to the middle planets, and will unleash democracy and Jesus upon all the people of Mars. From there, we will go after the other members of the axis of evil, who all harbor terrorists like the Red Skull: Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus (I really like that word).
God Bless America,
George W. Bush
P.S. Hey! Baseball’s starting up again! Whoo-hooo! I’m rooting for the Rangers!