Showing posts from January, 2013

Ben Affleck Outraged by Choice for Local Employee of the Month

LOS ANGELES - Academy Award winner Ben Affleck took to social media last night to express his outrage over the selection of Jim Ward as January 2013 Employee of the Month for Savusoft, Inc., a company who produces... actually, who knows. It's one of those places where your friend works and they've tried to explain what exactly their company does, but you have no clue. It's either something to do with real estate, fiance, or maybe some computer shit. Who really knows?
"They gave it to fucking Ward?" Affleck posted on Facebook within minutes of getting the news via text message from an unknown source. "I'm really getting tired of Savusoft giving the awards to the same people every month. And it's not like Ward was better than anyone else. He did his job. That's what he's supposed to do. But no, because he's a pretty face in the company, it's like they're surprised when he's anything better than average. It's ridiculous."

Student Loses "Time is Money" Argument with Local Bully

AUSTIN - It was a long twenty minutes for schoolyard bully Ricky Traveau, 14, when he confronted Brad Wayburn, 11, a regular target, near the handball courts at yesterday's morning recess. A simple lunch money robbery devolved into a heated discussion over the nature and meaning, if any, of time and space. 
Witnesses who wished to remained anonymous because they're not fucking stupid and know that Traveau will retaliate against them confirmed that Wayburn initially balked at Traveau's financial demands for "everything in your stupid pockets now, kid."
Traveau used a tactic familiar to bullies when faced a disruptive mark: charge interest in hopes of forcing the victim to shut their trap and pony up the dough. 
"I always hear my dad say on the phone that 'Time is money, dickhead,'" Traveau said, "so I've used that in my schoolyard extorting and it has been foolproof tactic up until then. I explain that they're wasting my time by not giv…

Man Can't Believe How Many Hot Women Enrolled in Local Bikram Yoga Class

LOS ANGELES - It was quite an earful for anyone within thirty feet of Randy Servite, 24, last night as he exited the Santa Monica Bikram Yoga studio. Servite, a recent transplant to Los Angeles from his native Omaha, Nebraska, was heard only a few yards away from the studio yelling into his cellphone by several witnesses.
"Duuuuuuuuuude," Servite said into the phone, "I just took one of those hot yoga classes. Bro, I know.... No. Bro...  Just fucking listen, okay.... No. You're the homo. Listen. Bro, you will not fucking believe what goes on in there. The chicks are unbelievably hot. And they're basically naked right in front of you."
Unconfirmed reports suggest that the person on the other end of Servite's phone was Daniel Levy, Servite's friend from back home who didn't have the balls to pack up and move to Los Angeles four months ago, even after not being able to answer Servite's question as to what in the fuck there was to do in Omaha for …

Song of the Day - I'm Waiting for the Day by The Beach Boys

I'm Waiting for the Day. This is my favorite song by The Beach Boys. From their classic album, Pet Sounds.

Song of the Day - Streetlight Manifesto One Foot on the Gas, One Foot in the Grave

Just a good song that I really enjoy.

One Foot on the Gas, One Foot in the Grave
by Streetlight Manifesto