Student Loses "Time is Money" Argument with Local Bully
|Triumphant Traveau nearly didn't get what was |
rightfully his on the playground
AUSTIN - It was a long twenty minutes for schoolyard bully Ricky Traveau, 14, when he confronted Brad Wayburn, 11, a regular target, near the handball courts at yesterday's morning recess. A simple lunch money robbery devolved into a heated discussion over the nature and meaning, if any, of time and space.
Witnesses who wished to remained anonymous because they're not fucking stupid and know that Traveau will retaliate against them confirmed that Wayburn initially balked at Traveau's financial demands for "everything in your stupid pockets now, kid."
Traveau used a tactic familiar to bullies when faced a disruptive mark: charge interest in hopes of forcing the victim to shut their trap and pony up the dough.
"I always hear my dad say on the phone that 'Time is money, dickhead,'" Traveau said, "so I've used that in my schoolyard extorting and it has been foolproof tactic up until then. I explain that they're wasting my time by not giving me their money; money that their parents gave them anyway, so now they just owe me more for my time. It's a technique that has provided me with a very comfortable living."
Wayburn kept his cool and explained that time only exists because we, as humans, have an urge to document and make sense of the world, to find some ways and patterns that are easily explainable so that we don't feel so lost in the world. Furthermore, he confounded Traveau by suggesting that it's not time that exists, instead it's only watches and clocks that do. A blank tape playing endlessly, if you will. Wayburn concluded his desperate attempt to hang onto his seven dollars with a final salvo that there is neither a future, nor a past and that all that truly exists is right now. He highlighted this point by snapping his fingers while exclaiming "and just like that, what was once is now gone. So if time is money and time doesn't truly exist, then it's impossible for me to give you anything."
Undeterred, Traveau had a simple, but effective rebuttal:
"I just punched him and took it anyway."
Early reports indicate that Wayburn learned his lesson and will be ready with ten dollars in the morning.