Ray Lewis Excited about 2nd Career as Super Criminal
|Is This The New Face of Evil?|
NEW ORLEANS - Fresh on the heels of winning Super Bowl XLVII, newly-retired Baltimore Ravens Linebacker, Ray Lewis, was uncharacteristically open with the press about his plans for life after football. The future NFL hall of famer confirmed long-standing rumors that he would indeed embark upon a life of crime upon leaving professional football. But Lewis said he was not content on just being a nickel-and-dime heist man. Instead, the former Super Bowl MVP announced he would become a costumed super villain.
"Think about it," Lewis told the press, "I've been wearing a costume with special gear for years. I've been doing things to people on the field that would get me arrested on the street. As some of you may or may not know, I have some limited experience with evading justice as well."
Insiders suggest that Lewis' last comment was in reference to his collection of parking tickets over a decade ago that went unpaid for years. When the law finally caught up with him, Lewis evaded jail time with what many law enforcement officials referred to as a "sweetheart deal." Lewis insisted that the tickets belonged to his friends and even then, he accidentally burned much of the paper trail anyway.
"If I'm going to be honest," Lewis continued, "which, by the way, I won't be able to for much longer given my new career, but anyway, I was kind of hoping we'd lose the game today. That way, I could have channeled some of that righteous misguided anger that so many in this field have used to their advantage. I'm talking Two-Face, Penguin, Doctor Octopus, Green Goblin, Bane, and the list goes on. That a group of guys who I not only look up to, but someday hope to be mentioned in the same breath as. But hey, we won the game, and I'll rebound from that."
Lewis was evasive when it came to any timetable for when the citizens of Baltimore could expect to see him begin terrorizing their streets. Furthermore, he refused to confirm what his new identity would be.
"I haven't set a date yet," Lewis said. "I'm going to enjoy the victory and see what God's plan for me is. Once the high from the win wears off, I may spend some time around power plants or local dumps, plenty in Baltimore, to see if I can gleam any super powers from any accidents or anything life that. Maybe I'll get bit by a small animal or accidentally injected with some power serum. We'll see what happens. That will really dictate my new super villain persona. I'm looking at this with fresh eyes. Whatever God wants, really."