Showing posts from July, 2013

European Genetic Lottery Announces Winner

LONDON - Unborn souls across Europe expressed a collective sigh of defeat yesterday when lottery officials announced they did in fact have a winner in the European Genetic Powerball Lottery. 
The genetic prize had reached record levels recently, which saw a drastic increase of unborn souls buying up tickets to win the grand prize. Officials haven't yet announced where the winning genetic lottery ticket was purchased, but rumors have circulated that it may have been at Nigel's Liquor Emporium. 
The winning soul, which has expressed a wish to European Genetic Lottery officials to be anonymous thus far (though nicknamed a "Royal Baby" in the local press), saw its fortune rise as it has basically become the luckiest person on the entire continent.
"I'm disappointed," said an unnamed, unborn wisp of a soul. "I thought I deserved this. I really could have used this birth. It would have changed my life. Times have been tough for a lot of us unborn souls with…

Miami Dolphins Considering "Stand Your Ground" Offense for 2013 NFL Season

MIAMI - Sources close to the 2013 Miami Dolphins training camp have indicated that team officials are considering a drastic new approach to their offensive scheme for the upcoming 2013 NFL season. 
Speaking under the cloak of anonymity, several high ranking insiders within the team have suggested employing a "Stand Your Ground" style of offense which would see offensive players being encourage to shoot any players on the opposing defense who are trying to tackle them while attempting to score a touchdown. 
Football players across the country will tell you that getting tackled hurts. Like seriously. Because of this, Dolphins' officials are toying with the idea of arming wide receivers and running backs to protect themselves against these aggressors who are trying to forcibly throw them to the ground. More often than not, these defensive players also actively look to steal the ball from the offense as well. When they do steal the ball, the referees never do anything about it…